Epilogue of the Hardest Year

In a handful of days, it will be the one year anniversary of my divorce: My great failure. My great hurt. My great breaking.

Regardless of what happens in our lives, whether we cause the hard things to happen or whether they happen TO us, all we can control is the way in which we keep living our lives beyond those experiences.

I had to move on. I had to focus on me. You can’t hold your breath. You can’t stay paralyzed. You have to move through the soreness for the bruises to heal.

You have to say, this is it…this is my life. I am going to live it. I am going to be BETTER from this experience, not lesser.

And that is exactly what I intend to continue doing.

I am going to pursue being healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I am going to live my life in a way that pushes for more and more. I will expect nothing less of myself than giving all of my passions and talents and gifts due attention – because they were given to me for a reason, to be used.  I am going to run my marathons. I am going to keep plugging away at the ridiculous LIST of books that I want to read. I am going to keep telling myself I am going to lose that last 10-15 lbs because even if I never do – it means I will keep working at it and keep trying to be healthy. I am going to get my Master’s degree. I am going to give my career 100% effort. I am going to become an expert in my field.

I am going to love people in word and in action. I am going to spoil the crap out of my nieces and nephews and love them like they are my own children. I am going to tell my brothers how awesome they are and how much I love them. I am going to take care of my parents and serve them in the unconditional way they have always served me. I am going to volunteer for things expecting nothing in return, but just to do something for someone else, for something greater than myself and my own initiatives. I am going to REJECT the idea that we narcissistically only DO for others under the subconscious or even conscious expectation of getting something in return.

I am going to push my boundaries and encourage those I love to do the same. I am going to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am going to work to patiently see the world through other people’s eyes and experiences. I am going to cut down on negativity in my life personally and professionally.

I am going to give my heart to people unscrupulously and love people ferociously, even when they don’t love me the same way. I will absorb hurt into my being and as part of my life and refuse to allow it to shut me down or put my guard up. I am never going to let the breaking of things-past control or predict how I treat my future. I am going to let things break my heart. I will remain soft and vulnerable.

I am going to seek TRUE truth, not MY truth. I will accept and allow people to judge me or to disagree with me. I am going to FIGHT to know my worth. I am not going to fear loss, truth, death or other people. I will cling to maintaining the integrity of my character behind closed doors.

I am going to trust that God’s plan for me is to be NEAR me and to be my resource of strength – not to lay my life out in an orderly fashion. I will trust His great love for me while not expecting Him to provide a life full of smooth paths. I will know that even in the BEST of times, things may not play out the way I thought in my head that they should. I am promised nothing. I am not promised a husband or kids or health or longevity or financial stability.  I am not promised that my LIFE will lay out like the orderly board game. I am not promised that it will fall in the same order as yours and I am not promised that it will fall in order at all. I don’t even know if we are all playing with the same board game pieces much less the same board!

I am not promised next year much less tomorrow. All I have in this life are the curve balls that I am thrown and I am just expected to keep swinging away. They won’t all be home-runs. I will have a lot of fouls and a lot of strikes. But this is my ONLY life. I don’t get another. I can’t sit around waiting for good things to come to me – I have to seek them out ferociously. I have to enjoy the journey and the process of living.

Happiness is not a finish line, and if we can’t feel content amidst the mess and the striving, we might never feel it. – Ben Saunders

I do not know by what scales the success of my life will be measured. I do not have foresight to know if I will accomplish great things by ANY scale in this life. I am going to be extraordinary in the only way I know how and that is to be perpetually and naively hopeful. I will live WHOLEHEARTEDLY. With an INEXHAUSTIBLE HOPE.

I am going to live my life as forcefully and as fearlessly as possible. It’s the whole point. I am alive to live my life. I am alive to touch you. I am alive to be what only I can be – a force that is made up of MY unique experiences…unique combinations of lessons in love, hurts, gains, losses. No one else can offer this life what I can. No one else can offer this life what you can. We have to be present and be present with courage. We have to be LIGHTS for each other as we wander through the darkness.

God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

And when tomorrow comes and I am no longer a part of it…all anyone will remember of me…is how I treated them. With what ferocity of light I shown upon them. So I shall guard my presence in their lives with the utmost responsibility.

So I will be me…fearlessly and unapologetically, albeit consciously. I will live forcefully but not perfectly. I will own my mistakes and my actions and I will close my eyes at the end without regret and in peace.